• Gil Shalev

The Zombie Apocalypse

Well, we all know that Jones and Shevchenko are going to do some work this weekend. I will never say never, but the likelihood of Reyes, and to a greater degree Chookagian winning the belt is not very high. I can see Reyes pulling an upset if all of the stars (and I mean ALL of them) align for a magical night. It would really need to be a night to behold if Chookagian can topple the second-best women MMA fighter on the planet. But I guess, it could happen… It’s MMA after all.


Speaking of things that can happen, A thought crossed my mind the other day. Don’t ask me why, and if any plant with healing properties was involved. Just stay with me here. In the unlikely scenario of a zombie apocalypse, which of the UFC stars have a chance to survive?


I divided the fighters into three main categories by levels of likelihood to survive:


Rest In Peace:

In this category are fighters that, honestly… God bless them.


Conor McGregor: Here’s a scenario where catchy disses aren’t going to even make a dent. He’s not going to be able to get under the zombies skin. His entourage might help him fend off a few, and god knows he can send a couple to meet their maker with a good timed left, but what happens when he runs out of gas?


Khabib Nurmagomedov: Now, I know what y’all are thinking. He fought a bear, right? Well, he w-r-e-s-t-l-e-d a bear. What is the one thing that is universally true about zombies? That’s right – it takes a head shot to put one down. When was the last time you saw the eagle drop one?


Henry Cejudo: On the one hand, you would think that, even zombies will be taken aback by the king of cringe, and that may very well be the case. But on the other, how long do you think it will be, before he challenges one for the interspecies title?


Stipe Miocic: Initially, the zombies would likely be confused by his accent and very likely mistake him for one of their own. But once they realize he’s not, well… it’s good night Cleveland.


Daniel Cormier: Sorry, DC. You’re a real nice guy. Which actually is the problem.


Jon Jones: Don’t you get all up in DC’s predicament either. Driving away from a crowd of mad zombies, you're likely to wrap another car around a poll. And then, what?


Colby Covington: Zombies don’t give two craps about whether America is great again. They just want to eat, and quite frankly, they have way more patience than we do. They’d let him talk until he's blue in the face. Then they’re going to bite it because… zombies.


Good luck with that:

In this category are fighters that have some chance.


Jorge Masvidal: Let’s see here. We’re talking about – literally – the baddest motherfucker on earth. Street Saavy, has a significant power advantage over them zombies. Only thing is, the gas will run out sometime, and beyond returning a few walkers to an inert state, what’s next? Let’s add Amanda Nunes here. Similar prediction.


Nate Diaz: I see a clear path to a lengthy survival for young Nate. He can sulk with them for 3 years, twitting something that might really hurt their feelings (or make them scratch their heads in confusion). He can run a marathon after marathon away from the grisly prospect. Very durable. But at the end of the day, food will run out, especially with all the munchies.


Israel Adesanya: The man doesn’t punch you in the face, he stabs you. Take THAT, zombies, and THAT and whoa, that ankle in your… what is that, a jaw? Izzy would go through an army of zombies, demolishing them and let’s face it, It’d be an awesome spectacle. Think Michone, in the walking dead, only without the sword. The accuracy of his shots would ensure a pretty good chance of extending his survival, but ultimately, we go back to "what’s next?"


Tony Ferguson: These zombies won’t know what hit them. Honestly, is that an elbow? A straight punch, a knee? A spinning whatever? Like in Izzy’s case, these zombie smashing sequences would be epic. Unless there would be loose cables around, cause, damn…


Valentina Shevchenko: Now here’s a lady who can handle her shit. Stick and move will get her places. She’s an awesome shot, which definitely raises her chances. But again, food and infrastructure might be her downfall in this tragic scenario.


Survivors:

Speaks for itself.


Korean Zombie: Well, duh. He can simply walk among them. End of story.


Donald Cerrone: Cowboy has it all covered. A protected campground? Check. Likes to shoot? Check. Grows own food sources? Check. Cowboy would ride it out and raise a whole new generation of bad asses, who’d start a new self sufficient society. In fact, if he harbored some scientists on said farm, they just might be the ones to restart civilization. Yee-Haw!





I don't know about you, but if this time comes, I'm heading to Albuquerque.

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